i off today so off I feel like im losing my mind. I realize that the majority of these entries are extremely depressing...thinking about it makes me really see that I do have a problem and I think I need help cause I dont wanna keep doing this anymore. I dont know what im doing. Right now though, I feel so lost I could throw up. All day my minds been wandering and chasing reality because I dont feel real or here, and feelings I cant recall keep washing over me confusing and wiping me out. Im tired. but still curious. We've been watching home videos and someone might call me annoying for living in the past so much but how do you build a sense of self when you cant remember what you were in the decade previous. Scars built a personality and I need to learn what cut me so bad I had to heal...I've been smoking disgusting amounts i dont want to feel today, everything gets under my skin. Despite everyone in the world I still feel isolated.
Dining hall today, I turned red started sweating and shaking. She hasnt taken me out to eat and I was so nervous I couldnt even pick up a plate. It made her feel terrible and in response I was awkward and upset, im going to hurt someone else. Im so sensitive its disgusting and Im mad and I hope people still read this.
You dont get to live happily ever after, you dont get to walk around like I was the big bad thing that happened to you because in all honesty I was the best thing that ever happened to you. You swept in on your white horse and you made my world into a fantasy, everything was so perfect I was a ballerina and I was dancing around the stage you hyped me up and maybe not intentionally but you tore me down. It still gets under my skin because I hold onto the good and its still pulls at my heart strings, and that makes me feel weak, you broke me time and time again. Im a good girl and I was so good to you I cant apologize for my issues. As if my emotional capacity hadnt been screwed up enough. Im not mad...im sad...im happy now but im lonely..im confused..and im empty..and dark...this is no guilt trip but dont think you dont go unthought of, i had all i ever needed....
my family, work, school, self i feel broken I take it back I hope no one reads this its not like im going to remember it anyway....im so disassociated its disgusting...
I was always running back now im not running back im standing still trying to push the hair outta my face chin up and smile but I cant...
Im guarded
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