At work today I just wanted to write and I'm not even sure about what but I've come down to this because I said i'd write about it and well i'm so distant it wont bother me to write.
You know you have an eating disorder when youre so tired you cant stand up straight, now therapy and nutritionists have told you the fatigue is from lack of nutrition your skin turns a nice shade of yellow that screams help. The eating disorder doesnt care about nutrition though. 2 to 300 calories a day brings on shakey hands that wont even let you grab something without looking completely strung out from the shakes.Your break at work is feared feared because what will you eat, will you eat? Anxiety starts to get you from the minute you wake up scratch that, anxiety racks youre brain constantly even sleep becomes dreaded because your mind is so messed up and craving food but you, you dont crave food you adapt to the fact that you arent eating hardly anything and your on your feet all day. It becomes your body craving what you need just to be able to stand without being dizzy which mind you becomes a huge issue. You wonder what will happen if you pass out at work what excuse could be used and how to avoid being fed or getting an IV stuck in you.
When you go to shower you peel off your clothes and attempt not to look in the mirror too much but when you do you just check ribs hip bones chest, are the bones more visible, because thats the goal the goal is to become a skeleton invisible boobs that skinny girls hate are your worst enemy theyre for curvy girls and you want to be anything but curvy. You take a breath and step into the shower the water turned up as hot as it can go but even that isnt hot enough because youre so cold, your skin turns purple from the shock of the hot water and you start to get lightheaded from the steam but its okay because shower time is a moment to wash away the calories from the day, the bad. Shower time is also a concern though because taking the time to wash could lead to falling and falling will lead to food an injury hospital. After you shower you do another bone check and get dressed. All the while feeling your heart pound not being able to catch your breath because the shower is too much to handle.
Having an eating disorder is pure hell on earth when you fall into it in any way a relapse or other, simple tasks like driving become a hazard because being shakey and dizzy isnt a good mix for driving. Mealtimes are pure torture and eating in public, youd rather be murdered. Holidays become toxic because all it is is an event where people get to eat all they want and all you want is to not eat all you want is to be perfect. The scale becomes your best friend or the devil depending on the day hour minute. You know youre doing amazing when youve lost 4 pounds in three days and its no longer a question of can you because youre stronger then everyone and you know you can even if it means dying the question becomes what really is the ideal weight because years of therapy you know that even 0 wouldnt be good enough.
The side of you that wants to get better if there even is one in sitting on your shoulder yelling at you telling you to eat that it doesnt have to be like this, that you dont have to fit into the size 00 jeans staring at you in american eagle, that the bones arent good that you need food that youre slowly killing yourself that youll end up like the 10% of girls who have a heart attack because this disorder eats muscle before fat and your heart is a muscle and is becoming weaker day after day... the recovery angel is sitting there and you know its right but at the same time its not..at the same time you want to waste away...
depression and fatigue and anxiety take over and after awhile everyone says youre different and everyone gets tired of what they call "this game" of not eating people leave and the voice the god of thin says theyre jealous and its your fault anyway no-one stays...damaged is what you are..but this has become life and relapses happen and when they do you feel the spiral and the guilt and soon youre just stuck...giving up wont happen until the last heart beat but an eating disorder is something I would not wish upon anyone, laxatives, calories, exercise a world of hell is something i wouldnt ever wish on anyone..... catch it or itll eat you alive.
