So as my friend ang posted about in her blog atheistangel.livejournal.com check her out...
she said she narrates her life when I read that I was confused but driving home I realized I do the same thing when driving, when in the shower, I do it alot. I also realize alot more, I even argue with myself...not that anyone cares but im ranting tonight in my half asleep state and im fine with it so go with me for today k?
I had work, I had a temper, im a laid back person but im coming to realize i may have an itty bitty problem with authority, that or I just dont have tolerance for stupidity anymore and Im fine with giving an attitude. I will not be rude though thats not nice. Blunt yes. The girl I work with came over to me 15 minutes before my shift ended and said "you have to stay later..." My anger shotttttt up excuse me? I HAVE TO. I wanted to be like hey you yea you I stayed last week after a 12 hour day of work 40 mintues later to make sure my area was stocked and set up not to make the nex girl coming in scramble, yet when I come to work people dart the fuck out cause they have no consideration and live is more important..I pick up after them, I get mad but I do it so hey you you couldnt ask me nicely you think you can stay to help out?...instead I was commanded...as well as belittled all shift being told I had sandwhiches on my screen...when I was already making them ect..am I that spacey? No ive been kicking ass. so hey you just cause youre a shift doesnt make you my god and guess what "The Wa" isnt my life...I go to school mon through thurs then I work here so you commanding me is just condeming me, when all I want to do is relax for five minutes...but the day ends and the next day is the same i literally dont have one single day off. tis life I guess.
My mom was released from Jail...whipee, now id totally be excited, but she never wrote me a leter back when I wrote her one and if she did I didnt get it yet. When she got out she didnt call my cousin so in other words as me and my cousin discussed her fucked up life means more and thats her loss, in a sense I wanna meet her once and move on in a sense I dont. I told my cousin in the end I have her shes my big sister she makes shit worthwhile she keeps me smiling she keeps me in check I love her. I found her through all this and hell I dont know what life would be like if i couldnt text her every day.
Theres hidden meaning in everything is the title of this cause there really is, think about it, some may not want to its a mind fuck but cmon try. driving I was thinking about how cops in a way can represent our own morality theyre theyre to give tickets and keep us in check but sometimes they have hidden initiatives, like say meeting their quota, as do humans. I think people judge one another on if someone else has done something to hurt us then we condem them to hell or "jail" theyve been bad forget it often we can give em the death sentence, but those people who cant forgive and see past I think they need to. I mean people cant be summed up by their actions. We all make mistakes. Hasnt there ever been a time where you did something and said I hope they dont hate me for this or thought of it after the fact? I mean I understand consequences Ibut I guess I just see both sides. maybe Im wrong..im just ranting..
often times I wonder what the meaning behind my eating disorder is Ang tells me all the time how much you think you can bend before you snap before you break? I guess id like to think im gumby..step on me crush me hit me pull me every way burn me cut me starve me cmon cmon I can take it look look im still standing, in a way I think im waiting to break im waiting for people to realize that all the happy is happy but im not superhuman. I also think i may be trying to prove it to myself. I think I want a break I want TO break I want to stop pleasing everyone I want to sit and just sleep be in a room alone...in reality the equivalent is a hospital bed and inpatient treatment....I think it speaks volumes I can see it but seemingly I cant and dont want to stop it and thats a problem within itself...a big one...invincible till proven otherwise..
I have 2 papers due wed each 7 pages ish, with other hw and such I havent had a moment to stop and do it...do the energizer bunnies batteries ever wear out?..hmmm..the ironic thing about this disorder is it shrinks you, all of you, even your heart...ive been told I have a big heart I dont want that to change I guess this is how I look out for myself though, I break me down. Talk about needing a new coping mechanism. Today I was around my mom alot actually correction the past week I may even write something to her, I realize I do actually do what borderlines do which is splitting, when my parents are bad omg i hate them theyve fucked up everything when I see her joking around loving shes suddenly the best thing ever...I told her I smoked on occasion today ((cigarettes)) and she said omg did we not teach you kids anything right?
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I want to tell her no you did maybe not in the best ways but they arent complete failures and I do love them. And grandma of course always has my heart. other alternate meanings though hm, stop lights, cmon some are sensored! oh oh someones coming gotta change gotta keep everything running smoothely and when those lights go down al hell breaks loose...intuition anyone? How about showering..when you stand outside and stick your hand in like an asshole, making sure its warm enough, its cause you want to be comfortable we all go out of way to be comfortable...little things big meanings...maybe im just overtired and think too much.
Today while driving my vision started swirling the road moved back and forth and I felt like I was gonna pass out I thought about my fave book, how eating disordered little girl thought she was invinceable and how she passed out at the wheel...and I was lika nah ah not gonna happen to me.
Anyway thats all now I throw up the quote from the book later...
