truth

safety always ends up foreign those who are closest become farthest...it results in tears misery and wanting to die...

I dont want to be here anymore

Unsure feeling

A picture of Carmen and Shane came up on my dash and I got a pang of jealousy I want to call it. She's sexy, i used to be "sexy" and in my mind I always would say hey im known for boobs for curves thats not right I dont want to be known for that now at 101 pounds and dropping I look at my chest thats vanishing my non existant ass and im like I kinda miss the sexy I used to be and at the same time im disappearing and thats exactly what I wanted. Wanted to be known for something other then a sexy body wanted to make the curvves the attention go away...but in the end I still feel lost..empty..missing a piece.

If I have to gain this weight back i always say itll go right back on the way it was ill have the same chest ass everything and at the same time im terrified itll all be different...this probably sounds mighty stupid but to me its something thats eating me...heh eating.

I feel alone and I think ive done that to myself the days are planned to a tee food portioned exercise planned time length ect and if theres a change I get scared. I dont want to be here but death is scary all I can do lately is is think why am I here though cause I feel no purpose just here...doing nothing wanting to waste away...

Do you know

Do you know what its like to be hungry

to crave the tiniest morsel you can find

to feel the hunger clawing at you like a savage bear

and in your mind the want is followed by no

you cannot

you cannot eat

you cannot want need nourish

this body

Do you know..?

Do you know what its like to be lonely

for the days to feel like they never end

where morning brings the anguish of life

and nights bring dream worlds of terror

the fear that creeps up in the dark

in the silence

in the whirlwinds of your very own thoughts

do you know..?

Do you know what its like to sit beside someone

and want and need and yearn

to be close

and in your minds eye youre in a world

all your own

isolated

Do you know..?

Do you know what its like to cut

to drag that blade across your skin

and wait for the blood to pool and fall

drip down your body like all the sins

all the sins that you have committed

greed

gluttony

sloth

Do you know...?

Do you know what its like to want to be rescued

rescued from your own mind

a mind that is pushing you to the edge

deceiving the one person you thought

you thought

you could trust..

yourself

and do you know..?

I will never be

I will never be who you want me to be

despite my efforts

my thoughts

because

well I am me

Do you know..?

Do YOU know

what its like

to be me?