Retarded

I dont even know if I feel like writing all that much, a huge part of me just wants to type. Thats all. Not pen and paper action but keyboard action laptop time. im having an eating disordered meltdown... ive thrown my weight around so much I thought I was better with it, im totally so not okay with it I wanna cut my skin off...to an extreme. I just remembered a dream I had last night, it had something to do with a hotel room. Uhm that and cruise ships within the last few months seem to be re-occuring. Now im thinking about it and I dont like it.

Hotel

To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You are undergoing some sort of transition and need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. You need to temporarily escape from your daily life. Alternatively, the dream may imply a loss in your personal identity

Cruise

To dream that you are on a cruise, represents some emotional journey that you are going through. The dream may also be a pun on "cruising" through situations in your life with ease and little effort.

ADD

My weight last month had been down to an all time low of 92..everything was falling off the outline of my hipbones front to back was visible, it creeped and fascinated me all at once. I gained back the weight going up to 106 at one point which I think was water weight due to red death after that it went back to almost 99 which I was content with now im back up to idk what from eating god knows what and I want to never eat again. Im good at it once I start, my gf doesnt want me doing that I need to be healthy to be in a relationship, and im trying but im freaking out...youre not your eating disorder, you have an identity, yes I do correct baby but...when im not that thin i need it want it compete with anyone and everyone around me..wont stop till im there just..miss it..and thats bad..i am looking up therapists and again im scared shitless cause im like i dont wanna be healthy cause thin is better fuck..

I need to get this in check

Have not posted for awhile

man I havent actually gotten on here and written nor posted much..guess I havent been in the mood to type much ive just been tumbling life away instead. I have 14 followers idk if you actually follow but hey its cool..
Im at 104 lbs im supposed to get my period and three days ago I was level at 98 today at 104 im figuring add in bloat water weight and the 2 or 3 lbs of binge..but im not comfortable at this weight I hate it so much..I havent been over 100 in awhile so im trying to keep it that way...a three day binge sabotaged that but im working on it. I actually have my first day of work today. 10 to 6 its a training class im looking forward to that...then ill have some income so i can start to pay off my bills...I just have to watch myself for a second cause 5 days a week of work and I know how I am ill cycle into not eating and ill be back at 90 lbs..as much as I want that I really dont..ill have to see I told my mom id look up therapists so I have to do that too. I feel like running my mouth in a mean way but im gonna be good...
anyway im gonna chill and maybe try to sleep..prob not