My best is never enough

I try not to live in the past as much as I do. I also try not to get stuck in wishful thinking because nothing ever turns out the way its wished to be. Im beginning to believe the saying don't have expectations because if you have no expectations you wont be let down or however that goes. Im also beginning to think that if I need something done I need to do it and not lean on others at all in any sense because that way you cant get let down either. I feel like life is just getting up for the let down. 
Its a terrible feeling to be your own worst enemy to not know what to think or feel to question every thought that crawls through your head question your fate. Its a terrible feeling to look in the mirror and have your skin crawl because you hate what you see. Its a terrible feeling to want and tell yourself you are unworthy. Its scary to not want to be anymore.


"I know someday someway things will get better"... that is until they aren't


I always wonder if things would be better clear cut and set out for you like a book where you could see everything fall into place where you could see each blow see each success see each and every monument. I guess that would take away from the "game" of life though...


je ne se pais

The feeling of Failure.

ABC diet. In other words self starvation. In other words giving into the demon that is my eating disorder. Why? 
 I ask myself that many times a day. The answer: I am not worthy to eat I don't deserve food. I don't deserve to be full. I am empty. Eating is dirty, filthy. I went over by two hundred calories both today and yesterday and I feel like a complete failure. Never in my life have I felt like I had a place and that it lasted. Never. Everything good fades. Nothing seems to last forever. You're happy until you get hurt and thats the way this world works. Its the facts. Im convinced no-one is dealt a perfect hand. 


Our challenges shouldn't define us and I know this. Sometimes though it just seems like too much to handle. Many times thinking about others that have it worse makes me think I have no reason to feel this way. I am me though and I cant help what i'm feeling. 


Life is a game. Take a step back and think about it. We are born into this world to a family, why that particular family. In my case I was lucky enough to be born to a crack addicted mother and an alcoholic father. The lucky part is my dads mother she is a saint. When I ask the question of why life though why play the game we have been thrown into I cant find a big solid answer. We grow up go to school, go to college get a good paying career to afford our families, we get old, we retire and we die. Who made these norms and why do we follow them, A gay lifestyle disappoints some parents because "they arent getting for their child everything they ever dreamt of" Shouldnt a parent dream of happiness for their child? that should be the priority. Someone should challenge the norms that have been set for us completely and society should accept that. 


I dont know where else im going with this but for the time being it was fun.

Point

What exactly is the point of this I have so many weblog things floating around. I guess I want to try for once to be consistent. Good luck Ella. 


Anyway I guess this is going to be my new writing ground.