I am so tired but Ive been wanting to write this all day. My head is also killing me so if this isnt the best entry keep that in mind as to why.
Im going to start writing these in the form of letters it helps me better address what im feeling.
Dear Parents (maria and Joe),
The title of mom and dad never well suited you because in my mind a mom is someone who gives undivided love and attention, helps with homework, cooks, listens to their daughters when theyre upset, talk relationships and sex, they are just motherly. You never got the title of mom, grandma did and I know it burns a hole through you, and it should. Dads, when I was a kid I wanted a dad that would throw the ball around with me, run around outside, teach me how to ride my bike, go exploring and protect me from monsters and all the boys when I got older. Sapia, you never did that much, my birthfather tried but drugs unfortunately impare the ability to do these things.
Hey dad look at me think back and talk to me did I grow up according to plan? and do you think I'm wasting my time doing things i wanna do? But it hurts when you disapprove all along
I was asked when I was adopted what was going to change, my response was simply my last name. For a child I was naive and smart combined in this case. My social worker replied with wow dominique good job and I honestly thought that was all that would change. In a sense it is and thats the sad part. My cousins were now my brothers and at age 9 I was supposed to be proud of this new sense of family. The thing is I wasnt, and I didnt feel any different, I told the kids in school about the news of the adoption and it resulted in being thrown in my room for an afternoon because "you shouldnt tell your personal life to others" But young Dominique wasnt exactly one to care who knew so getting yelled at for telling what she thought was her story confused her. Soon grandma moved in the tension was ridiculous, Maria do you honestly think you can be jealous of her and not have the nine year old notice it? Id throw myself into these fights because grandma is and will always be my mommy and you dont get to be jealous of something you never achieved.
I'm never gonna be good enough for you I can't pretend that I'm alright and you can't change me
I didnt want fancy vacations, I didnt need a new wardrobe every season, I didnt want to be known as the little rich girl in school, but I was and as long as I was your little doll to dress and love everything was perfect. Perfect until 7th grande when I wanted to dress myself and I had opinions then I became a problem. My gym attire wasnt "nice enough" for you, you didnt like the way I presented myself to the world daddy will never get tired of telling me that the world is judging me and if i simply stand to be mediocre theres a problem.
I try not to think about the pain I feel inside and it feels like you don't care anymore
What you need to realize is I am not you, I didnt grow up with parents who were tough and didnt speak english, I didnt have to work 3 jobs and take 15 credits a semester, I would not have been able to do that nor do I want to. I appreciate the life you gave me I do, but I also feel that I owe you my life because you adopted me. I know youve heard this before, I know you feel like ive shut you out, and maybe I have, reason being all I wanted was an emotional connection. But everytime I let you in told you something asked for some advice, you threw it in my face so I dont trust you and for that your fathead son has the same personality. You cant trust him for shit hes a liar and a thief but yet you adore him. I get it. He's your blood. Heres where you tell me Im crazy and twisted ((eye roll)) I embrace it sure I am. You spit on me told me you shouldve left me where I came from, your son has told me to kill myself that he wishes I had never been born or adopted and thats fine cause more than you know I wish it too. The look in your eyes most days says you wish it too.
Now it's too late and and we can't go back I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Im sorry if I seem a disapointment to you. Not the perfect daughter. I know you liked the ex for those reasons, she was the daughter you wished you had and thats fine. I know that im a good person and Ive learned from this life. All I wanted from you was compassion, a set of parents who could be there for me. Grandma is my mom my dad my life. Youd be lucky to be half the woman she is. Even on days when I have no patience and get mad you know what, she loves me, tattoos piercings, girlfriends, she loves me she doesnt judge me. Thats a family, you, youre all just a materialistic excuse for what you want a family to be, and sorry daddy no your dream family isnt going to come true.
Ill be out of here very soon maybe one day youll realize the starving cutting ignoring I do is for a reason maybe youll get my issues and if you dont im sorry you didnt get to know me, and Im sorry you werent half the family you shouldve been.
-me
can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
Nothing's gonna change the that you said nothing's gonna make this right again please don't turn your back I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you cuz you don't understand
