uh yea hey hi

I havent written on here in awhile and while I want to play catch-up Im not in the mood to write like that, I dont want this to be a journal entry as much as I want it to be what im thinking/narrating in my head. after this I need to crack down on applications. They're tedious with the surveying of questions and I dont like it.

"tell me im a screwed up mess, that I never listen, tell me you dont want my kiss, that you need your distance. Spare me what youre thinking, tell me a lie."

I never asked to be disordered in the realm of eating but in thinking maybe I did this to myself, in some sick way i believe that I wanted it, I wanted to be sick, that I taught myself this, and in that comes a feeling of guilt. The end result in that warped reality is you can learn an eating disorder and then all you know becomes consumed in the chews you count in a day. A chameleon of somesort but a sick chameleon playing games with myself to see exactly what I can withstand and what I can mold to. A competition to be the sickest. Its something Ill never admit out loud even to myself. Anorexia ties that need, want, to be fragile to be cared for...ill cut myself open just to say OUCH help, and pick up those pieces "just one more time"

Plagued by negativity with an underlying core of optimism intuitive to a fault but cursed in not being able to handle the truth that that intuition brings forward. Mind over matter is what ive been told, breathe in and breathe out and in that minute I can calm myself my head levels, "youre fine"...
Rush of thoughts here the paranoia comes creeping in the slue of what ifs takes over, the feelings rise in my chest and want to explode in the worst way in words I cant fathom to say outloud because the fear of pushing someone away that actually wants me is to much to handle but that fear brings silence and silence has us staring at each other silence has me cowering
its hard when youre afraid of everything and nothing at the same time
Now I understand my girlfriends thoughts on duality.

Im trying to open up to you and my fingers are hitting the keys with no problem the words flowing honesty streaming
but truth is you dont deserve to get to know me in this personal of a manner
You dont get to know how the thoughts in my head formulate
I take the twenty years Ive been alive and the near sixty youve been breathing and subtract
forty years of destruction
and I have to ask, even if I wanted your help how could you help me when all youve done is nothing and the closest youve been to me is a birthday card and a bottle of alcohol
those drunken high dreams that settled on my childhood like a fog that cant be lifted
ill ride that fog into a mental swirl of disassociation
body memories that cant be placed
a helping hand wrapped in forgotten and guilty intentions
you were never anything to me