Christmas blog that I wasnt gonna blog about butttttttt here we go

Im so beyond crazed its like a necessity to write. I feel like my head may explode. She still haunts me, not in the I want back type sesnse but rather the thoughts make my stomach churn, and for the first time in months I want to cry. Sleep isnt working at all and my head is too busy thinking about all this shit, too busy being bothered by the mess. Originally I didnt want to write this on here but i need to burn the piece of paper I wrote it down on. Plus not many read this anyway so its okay.  I dont know if im oversensitive and numb due to my meds or to the fact that i'm a mess.
Gabby
Nicole
Concept of hatred
food
When im not eating I feel like I have a purpose like im doing something right and as sick as it is its true its the one thing I can accomplish and I want to be fragile. I promised I wouldnt give up and I wont but I need to hit my ugw. I would love to be taken seriously I dont think they realize this isnt a joke, its not I want to disappear. No one gets it. I've seen my reflection a few times today and everytime I do I cringe, I know i've gained weight. Stupid shit bothers me Idk how the gf's dealing with e i would have killed me by now im a pain in the ass.
I want the other two psychos to be happy but at the same time im really pissed. Im pissed someone can see someone get hurt, neglected, pushed away, to the side, but yet in the end say "people make mistakes" people do make mistakes but shes a whirlwind and I wasted my time speaking to her when she was upset. In a way I hope she hurts nicole as bad so she can know what to feel like. That the others that dated her werent making it up. That makes me a terrible person.
Thinking about letting anyone is hurts because I feel like damaged goods, tainted. I feel bad somehow I would love to hand this out to people so they know where part of my head is but at the same time I dont want to let anyone else in...

fucken holidays

not doing this bs again 109 lbs thats normal i hate normal

losing it

Pen on paper seems so much more appealing but paper gets found and read in my house.


I managed about 10 or 11 days of normal eating I guess you could call it, in other words trying not to look at labels or obsessing about weight and at certain moments I did others I didnt so I was content but in the end not really because it always comes down to the moment when someone starts talking about food or working out or how they dont look good or comparing that I want to cry and just start to twitch..Im there..I cant stand the mirror again, I cant stand public, the thought of needing to get dressed, the thought of eyes skimming me.


Then I see like crazy skinny chicks and I just snap. Sometimes I want to be better sometimes I dont, and when I can hold my own for a few days in the sense of trying to get better im like wow but its not real.


So im gonna go back to my regimine and add the gym in once my knee is better


I hate hating myself.
to the point of tears.

Words are Words

Why do we find the need to ruin everything that is good? I get upset over things that I shouldnt but it always brings me back to words are words and actions speak louder than words. I feel like people can never accept good that something always needs to taint the reality of good. 


Whatever.
"why do we always find the need to hit the self destruct button?"

I celebrate when Im in pain...ive built a bed in this hole Ive made

As usual I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to say Im really good at having this pan out in my head and being gone when I actually sit down to type it and that sucks..


I haven't weighed myself in awhile my best friends scale thats broken reads im 98 with clothes on mid day so I know Im less but my mind doesnt believe it and I havent had a chance to actually weigh myself on my scale because its on lockdown in my parents room. I fit into her clothes her pants and they arent that tight...theyre a 1 and all I can think is I know ill have lost more weight when theyre baggy...Anorexia glorifies weakness in so many ways. Im eating less then 400 calories a day and im convinced Ive stopped losing weight and im at a plateau this is telling me fasting is necessary but I cant function even like this lately. 
Driving has become a task I cant see straight and it scares me..thats the perfect explanation..im scared but I love it..and I hate it..and I hate me lately..but I love anorexia..this is sick. All I can think is point A to B and ill survive not to mention I just found out my insurance dropped me and I dont want to talk to anyone about it..I wasnt keeping up with payments because I couldnt..and my parents were not going to help me seeing as they just 2 grand from me because I "owed" them money for the two years they paid my insurance. Who the fuck does that? Then i go for an evaluation for my eating disorder and drop school for a semester to concentrate on recovery and my parents cant participate...so im now being forced to pay the near 500 dollars because they wont...mind you im worse now then I was then...
Im always cold its gotten to the point where you can feel how cold I am through clothes when I touch you...my nails have a constant purple tinge to them..What scared me more today was my hair thats not even 3 inches long fell out in my hands as I washed it passing out and having to sit when I shower is fun also. I counted my heart beats today while showering 20 in 5 seconds because the heat is too much. 
Some days Im just so tired I wish i could just get tossed inpatient I need some help fixing my head. I have so much good lately im so lucky but im drowning in this....