Retarded

I dont even know if I feel like writing all that much, a huge part of me just wants to type. Thats all. Not pen and paper action but keyboard action laptop time. im having an eating disordered meltdown... ive thrown my weight around so much I thought I was better with it, im totally so not okay with it I wanna cut my skin off...to an extreme. I just remembered a dream I had last night, it had something to do with a hotel room. Uhm that and cruise ships within the last few months seem to be re-occuring. Now im thinking about it and I dont like it.

Hotel

To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You are undergoing some sort of transition and need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. You need to temporarily escape from your daily life. Alternatively, the dream may imply a loss in your personal identity

Cruise

To dream that you are on a cruise, represents some emotional journey that you are going through. The dream may also be a pun on "cruising" through situations in your life with ease and little effort.

ADD

My weight last month had been down to an all time low of 92..everything was falling off the outline of my hipbones front to back was visible, it creeped and fascinated me all at once. I gained back the weight going up to 106 at one point which I think was water weight due to red death after that it went back to almost 99 which I was content with now im back up to idk what from eating god knows what and I want to never eat again. Im good at it once I start, my gf doesnt want me doing that I need to be healthy to be in a relationship, and im trying but im freaking out...youre not your eating disorder, you have an identity, yes I do correct baby but...when im not that thin i need it want it compete with anyone and everyone around me..wont stop till im there just..miss it..and thats bad..i am looking up therapists and again im scared shitless cause im like i dont wanna be healthy cause thin is better fuck..

I need to get this in check