Invincible until proven otherwise..

Thats what I am...Bullet Proof...Like the T swift song..

it doesnt matter that im wearing 3 layers outside and im still shivering

that my nails are purple

that walking class to class winds me...

it doesnt matter that my 600 calorie diet dropped to 300 if that and Im not even hungry..

it doesnt matter that im getting sick when I eat...

it doesnt matter i have to sit in the shower cause the fog makes me lightheaded

Because

im convinced nothing can touch me

until it does

my mom..the DA wants her to do 10 months..thats what a bad arrest record will do

if thats what the judge gave her today shell be out a month after my bday hey

guess i can take her for drinks...

heh

so far all i know is no more bail its been revoked

Shower.then back to tumblr till i crash.

and the sky comes crashing down

2 D's a passing grade and an F were posted on my school account...im doing wonderfully. Everythings too hectic I need to do something.

day and night are interchangeable anxiety is at a new level weight is an obsession

its cold all the time

BioMom possibly released the 31st.....prob not 42 arrests and 3 felonies can keep you locked up...

adding her to the list of those who pretend to care I have a bad feeling..

I think i have an arrhythmia my pulse is under 60..my doctors gonna smack me

work school work school work school cries..

hug please?

I wouldnt want to have to drag anyone through this...

time to watch Meredith snore and go to sleep.

ingenious

im doing the most clever thing i have ever thought of, my best thoughts come from the shower and from driving so im sitting in the shower and im typing half in half out cause i need to.

I got pictures from my aunt of when I was really little, of my mom, of my aunt and I suddenly have purpose. I saw them this morning before work but when I got home from work I actually got to sit down and look at them and it was amazing. In my baby pictures I glow this sparkle, I finally see what everyone has always told me a glimpse but I do see it. All I could do was think of my cousin Tab saying "no dont hurt the baby in her joking voice.."

I looked in the mirror overwhelmed cause thats what Im doing, im killing "the baby" the cute sparking surviving loving adorable baby..intentionally..and somehow it hurts to think that im hurting that little precious child that was once me. I carve into her flesh, I deprive her of food, I dont let her feel, I try to numb everything for her, that baby was so happy..and shes killing herself..im killing myself..

why would anyone everrrr hurt the baby?

why?

its true when they say eatingdisorders are a cover for something that lays beneath..when im not eating its my focus... when I am semi regularly I feel I get overwhelmed...I need to learn what I want somehow. Somehow I know what the baby wants...

But the baby gets scared...

Ill put up pics in a few time to actually use soap and not the keyboard

DNA

The first time i got this

http://personaldna.com/report.php?k=LJLfOLHvOLqEIOY-AF-ADCCA-55b3&u=9214d7e55699#

The second time i got this

http://personaldna.com/report.php?k=HJMeLJHsUKeJORW-AE-ADACA-cc3e&u=dc180573da81

Im not sure i think i like the second one better

www.personaldna.com

DO IT

Why am I still awake

its gonna be a long ass day

sleep

All I wonder about is everyones intentions its a true statement when they say no one knows how to care for anyone but themselves, I feel like its a hidden but true statement. Lately I just feel forever alone and terrified, thats my own fault but also from watching everyone else around me I wonder so many things. My cousin said Im a Trezza, I like being coddled nurtured, as much as i didnt like that statement Its being proved true. I like being there, I do, I like making it better but when you cant understand me and I wonder if anyone can truly be there to hold and be there for me or someone else rather without losing themselves and having something to be upset or lost or complain about later I question love, and relationships. I dont want to be another story in someones book. I simple really dont want to be.

Why cant you take care of you and lean on me a reasonable amount understand what im saying follow trough keep a positive attitude not cheat on me love me for me and NOT try to change me play with me want to be sexy with me concentrate on me as well as yourself for the rest of our lives till death shall we part.

amen?

why do we fuck up the good when its actually there..why should I trust you? cause i certainly dont trust myself i dont trust life anymore. I want everything to be like my favorite tv shows..instead either people dnt know how to work on themselves and are all in their heads orrrr dont know how to do anything other than work on themselves...and everything always sucks. You want me to feel

I CANT

because im numb

because LIFE NUMBED ME

and i dont even understand the concept of someone else lighting up my world anymore...my dreams were shattered. I wish I could say im dramatizing this but its actually how it feels.

Actions speak louder than words..

Kick ass blog entry on behalf of JD?yeshh I think so

Ello Ello

so stats stats stats..111lbs which is good cause i was up to 115 2 days ago...

Materialism is disgusting, it eats away at the world because everything is made of money. Im not the type to want brand name things or really care, but I do know I have a car a shitty shitty car because when I wasnt living at home my parents sold my Jeep, then proceeded to keep the 2 grand I put into it when it was bought cause I "owed" them for car insurance and for my two failed classes. Since when? I didnt know this.

My grandmother has 2grand left in the bank..her funeral fund, she saved ehr whole life only now to pay rent to my mom and dad, my mom is making her mother pay rent when my grandma helped her buy this house...its sick..my grandma wants to take that money and invest it in a better car for me...My parents they apparently have better things to do with their money theyre spending $6,500 to get new carpet and floors done..thats not including the fact that theyre redoing their room which is prob another added couple hundred to a grand.

Things being handed to me is not something I like or want, I bust my ass going to school mon-thurs 330 to 9ish on average and then work 20-30 hours fri sat sun...even then im still drowning with my phone bill car insurance and gas expenses, plus car maintenance, I catch up only to then be pulled back down.

My grandma wants to use her funeral money but, my parents cant be bothered..funny it tis. I would pay them back for the rest of my life if they helped me with a car bust my ass I swear and I dont wont complain either because in my eyes im earning it its mine I did it...

New life lesson

Dont lean on people, youll fall over they arent steady you need your feet and yours only

Sleep for once

6am

Its 6am and im not sleeping...Its six am and I made eggwhites because im hungry..its six am and all I can think about is my weight tonight..its six am and I feel very alone..Its six am and today is my day off..my first day off in about two months..no work no school..yessssaaa..and at the same time I feel overwhelmed with things to do...

Its Six am

the suns coming up

now its safe to close my eyes...

Im waking up at 10 to skype with her((see below)) for the day..thats something to look forward to I havent seen her since November nor had a skype session

"Have I told you lately that I love you :) lol n how happy I am we r family?"

-Tab

off to bed with myself....

She 40...she looks about 20 im proud to call her my relative, shes pretty and shes funny, and shes here for me..I love her

Decisions

Do I stay up with this migraine that is absolutely killing me, or face my night terrors and wake up screaming in a few hours? Alone and crying?

Hm

wow

No clue