ingenious

im doing the most clever thing i have ever thought of, my best thoughts come from the shower and from driving so im sitting in the shower and im typing half in half out cause i need to.

I got pictures from my aunt of when I was really little, of my mom, of my aunt and I suddenly have purpose. I saw them this morning before work but when I got home from work I actually got to sit down and look at them and it was amazing. In my baby pictures I glow this sparkle, I finally see what everyone has always told me a glimpse but I do see it. All I could do was think of my cousin Tab saying "no dont hurt the baby in her joking voice.."

I looked in the mirror overwhelmed cause thats what Im doing, im killing "the baby" the cute sparking surviving loving adorable baby..intentionally..and somehow it hurts to think that im hurting that little precious child that was once me. I carve into her flesh, I deprive her of food, I dont let her feel, I try to numb everything for her, that baby was so happy..and shes killing herself..im killing myself..

why would anyone everrrr hurt the baby?

why?

its true when they say eatingdisorders are a cover for something that lays beneath..when im not eating its my focus... when I am semi regularly I feel I get overwhelmed...I need to learn what I want somehow. Somehow I know what the baby wants...

But the baby gets scared...

Ill put up pics in a few time to actually use soap and not the keyboard