Understand

A borderlines greatest fear is of being alone..it defies the fear of risk what if in the end they do end up alone?

In our minds it cannot be handled being alone is worse than death

Tug of War

disconnected

I always feel like im running circles around myself...

"life is beautiful but its complicated"

Greys..story of my life

I love lucy

I put my jeans on tonight and they were tight I swear I almost starting crying..but then when I weighed myself tonight I had actually lost weight...

W.T.F.

we dont realize what we have and we take it for granted most times...laying here as tired as can be my mind wont stop racing, I came home and paced around getting ready for my shower as I do everynight and while doing so fear set it..panic..terror..at this point it becomes a battle of self medication mind racing wondering what drugs we might have..I dnt want to feel this..whatever it is..

Drugs dnt happen instead my hands fiddle around to find my tape measure, my journal and my scale..another sick form of self medication..Its funny how at a stable weight and while still eating semi normal my mind can be so disordered..

Disorders work in funny ways...Minds work in funny ways..

Off to play with more Tumblr and sleep..hair trim tomorrow and school

When Ricky rambles in spanish I love it..I Love Lucy <3

Doctorssssss

I have to be awake in four hours for my pediatrician at age 20 I still go there..i refuse to see my general and Im not sure why lol. I called out of my second job today I couldnt do it, I got home at two and I slept till like seven even then or now rather im tired, Im anxioius, Im upset. I woke up and I hadd to go out I couldnt sit around, I couldnt sit in my room. I hung out with my friend Cat till 1ish and then I proceeded to drive around lost in thought till about 2. I wandered to my friend Deems house too, but stayed in my car... I just couldnt go home I couldnt be left by myself with the fear and panic ive been feeling. Im kinda scared and not trusting myself I dont know what to do.To quote my friend Ang cause she puts it perfectly, when it comes down to it "you cant ever exactly recapture a moment its the most excruciating feeling in the world until you can come to peace with it and yourself in some way."

And it hurts so bad that I search my skin For the entry point, where love went in And ricocheted and bounced around

My coughing is giving me a headache of the worst sorts. =( and my cramps are making me near puke just in case anyone cares...? nope you dont..=pI want a hug I want everything to be all better. I feel like this whole blog is negative now that I think of it. But hey people all 12 of you followers I write when Im upset... Did I mention im a fat ass that cant look at myself in the mirror..oh well..yea that too..

Ill prob call out tomorrow too in the battle of my bills and health id rather sit wallow not eat and chug cough medicine tomorrow. Amen.

Ang is at the moment telling me how she can see the borderline shit I do..its nice to be called out on it cause I honestly dont see it.."you probably spend most of your time trying to get her to learn HOW to say things to you dont you..? guilty..

Marks a battle still feel raw A million pieces of me on the floor I'm damaged goods for all to see Now who would ever want to be with me I've got all the baggage drink the pills Yeah this is living but without the will I'm Blacken out I'm shutting down

"cause we see it as this will fix it. This will control it. youre saying things like that is the reason im like this when uh no. were like this cause were cracked" LMAO Apparently I go on and on trying to justify myself, She said thats what people tell her shes doing i responded with is that seriously what im doing and after reading the thing i sent her she said lmao litttttle bit...shitI cant see it its so frustrating lol...self sabotage much...All the things i ever wondered if were normal totally arent and now I know and I dnt feel as broken. well end rant im sleepy as hell..not a poetic post merely a rant this wont become habit i hate it apologies

Lose your clothes and show your scars its who you are

"hell bent looking for a god send kicking down the door waiting for a sign 

right side turning on the bright side that might not be what you find 

wake up move on nothing left to prove got nightmares in your dreams"

Home Sick

Being home sick makes me anxious and my grandmas up my ass... I hate being alone, I hate being anxious, I hate most everything about my state of being lately.

-___-

So many things I wish I could say sometimes

and all the same at a loss for words..

emotions

"you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can’t say, here’s the bad stuff. Here’s vulnerability, here’s grief, here’s shame, here’s fear, here’s disappointment, I don’t want to feel these. I’m going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. I don’t want to feel these… you can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle..."

Tumblr

Idiots

Sleep?

Havent seriously written on here now for a few days. As ive said before all my best thoughts come from driving. I had a shitload of thoughts to put on here but I forgot. I started a tumblr Im not sure how to work it all lol but its alot of fun.

Im up in weight. Not much but its slowly killing me. Im watching Pretty Little Liars its freaking me out so much. I slept majority of the day and I should probably sleep some tonight. My sleeps seriously messed up though so much that I need to get put back on my meds.

When Im poetically inclined and know what to write Ill be back on here.

Micro

On occasion the fact that I was a preemie comes up, technically, I was a micropreemie..1lb 8oz..12 inches severely crack addicted. I dont have pictures of myself when i was born the youngest picture I have is six months. I always wanted to see my little footprints, I always wanted to see exactly how tiny I was so on occasion ill find a picture with a baby of a similar weight, you know, just to see.

i feel like im trying to achieve micro status again...Ironic eh?

Anxiety has been killing me..tonight I cried for a good two hours, grandma used to be able to calm everything lately i feel alone and isolated wishing everything would go back to the way it was when I could be calmed. I feel like im drifting, this sleep stuff is killing me...

Weights up to 111

I got back on track though I felt the click..Im fine with it now..Got this..Got my new journal..Go time..

I miss familiarity. I miss being whole. I miss me in a sense.

yea Im gonna go cry some more...to sleep..

and thank you.

Math Class Poetry

Point Proven as time flies and the words on this paper appear

Its going to come down to one of us is never here

Why get close just for distance to set in

Sweetheart Its coming down to we're never gonna win

Im sorry for the torture and Im sorry for the pain

Just baby I hope you know im not doing it in vain

Seconds..

Minutes...

Hours........

Days............

Weeks..........

Months..........

You tired of it yet, you sick of me?

Words are getting short so I guess we'll see

driving to drive and memories take over

So i set the challenge ready go

Mission failed tears well a simple turn

was enough to make my stomach churn

I remember I taught you the route

Its funny now cause its your heaven sent

Playing with fire that smile all up in your face

youre gonna see how $h3 leaves a trace

I dont care if it comes down to death

cause listen up imma have the last breath

bending breaking crying shaking

you may love yourself that may be all

you may not see it but youre gonna fall

pain is coming like a flood

but im be here standing breathinggg blood

whisper to a scream

I love my subscriptions I love reading what you guys write im gonna start dropping comments

FAST.FAST.FAST.FAST.FAST.FAST.EXERCISE.EXERCISE.EXERCISE.EXERCISE.YOU FUCKED UP YOU DID YOU REALLY FUCKEN DID.FIX IT. FIX IT.

Love the voice.

and now I will I give myself a week

GW1:98lbs

ready set fucken go.

work

Counting down till work is over im beyond tired. Gonna down a redbull even though I'm not supposed to be drinking them. I've def eaten enough for it to not touch me...... ZzzzzzZzZzz..people are a buncha cons true story

80 cuts later....and 103...19.46

After the crazy ass binge after being stoned beyond belief and eating my way through everything for 2 days I did a soup fast thing for 3 days and today i ate pretty normal which to me is just equivalent to a binge...Tomorrow im going swimming with my best friend Deem for an hour and hardcore laps will happen with no food...im not breaking and fucken eating normally anymore im unsure why i did it this time..im not cycling back and forth weight gain weight loss no..cause im gonna fucken do this.

And found a demon in my safest haven seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything

I have a paper due in human sexuality I think im gonna do it on should i do treatment now or later for my eating disorder. I dnt want her taking it to the head of the department though so im gonna see. My mom brought up seeing a new shrink im contemplating it so back on meds? idk. But when the thought of suicide seems epic and comfortable I think there may be a problem. Everyone say change the attitude you can do it trust me attempting and failing. Imma dig a hole and never come back..dig my way to china..PEACE.

Since I know this isnt followed by anyone besides my whyeat peeps im gonna put this out there...Borderline...I think that may be the diagnonsense. We shall see...maybe now all my crazyness can actually be explained and fixed. I have an array of poetry that im contemplating throwing on here but ehhhh.

I wanna know what it'd be like to find perfection in my pride to see nothing in the light

Concetration is here and there but not at all.

Im swimming and drowning living and shining then sinking and dieing.

Gimme a reason to keep my ground

cause right now nothins sound

Drowning is what I want and feel

Dont ever think this shits gonna heal

Dont tell me to get better and dont tell me to fucken try

I dont want to and now I know why..

And the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff

rhymings nice that was on the spot but hey whatevs. Im shmokin a pack a day soooooooo i wonder how swimmings gonna be with these awesome smoker lungs..I need to workout tonight too all the food I ate is itching at me I wish I had to capability to puke...such a morbid wish maybe ill get it eventually...need to get over that fucken phobia

Mistreated Misplaced Misunderstood Miss no way it's all good..

Today I hung out with some friends..theyre engaged it made me happy and sad and confused theyre adorable they have everything..theyre living together it probably feels amazing.

And in the free fall I will realize I'm better off when I hit the bottom

I love her