80 cuts later....and 103...19.46

After the crazy ass binge after being stoned beyond belief and eating my way through everything for 2 days I did a soup fast thing for 3 days and today i ate pretty normal which to me is just equivalent to a binge...Tomorrow im going swimming with my best friend Deem for an hour and hardcore laps will happen with no food...im not breaking and fucken eating normally anymore im unsure why i did it this time..im not cycling back and forth weight gain weight loss no..cause im gonna fucken do this.

And found a demon in my safest haven seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything

I have a paper due in human sexuality I think im gonna do it on should i do treatment now or later for my eating disorder. I dnt want her taking it to the head of the department though so im gonna see. My mom brought up seeing a new shrink im contemplating it so back on meds? idk. But when the thought of suicide seems epic and comfortable I think there may be a problem. Everyone say change the attitude you can do it trust me attempting and failing. Imma dig a hole and never come back..dig my way to china..PEACE.

Since I know this isnt followed by anyone besides my whyeat peeps im gonna put this out there...Borderline...I think that may be the diagnonsense. We shall see...maybe now all my crazyness can actually be explained and fixed. I have an array of poetry that im contemplating throwing on here but ehhhh.

I wanna know what it'd be like to find perfection in my pride to see nothing in the light

Concetration is here and there but not at all.

Im swimming and drowning living and shining then sinking and dieing.

Gimme a reason to keep my ground

cause right now nothins sound

Drowning is what I want and feel

Dont ever think this shits gonna heal

Dont tell me to get better and dont tell me to fucken try

I dont want to and now I know why..

And the worst part is before it gets any better we're headed for a cliff

rhymings nice that was on the spot but hey whatevs. Im shmokin a pack a day soooooooo i wonder how swimmings gonna be with these awesome smoker lungs..I need to workout tonight too all the food I ate is itching at me I wish I had to capability to puke...such a morbid wish maybe ill get it eventually...need to get over that fucken phobia

Mistreated Misplaced Misunderstood Miss no way it's all good..

Today I hung out with some friends..theyre engaged it made me happy and sad and confused theyre adorable they have everything..theyre living together it probably feels amazing.

And in the free fall I will realize I'm better off when I hit the bottom

I love her