Past is past but can eat you alive

So my girlfriend wrote a very well written blog about her struggles in the past with her exes and how they influenced her life past and present. She is currently getting a ton of shit for it, luckily my blog isn't known about so if I choose to rant who in hell cares ill do some more ranting for her and maybe finally get this shit to leave me alone and make sense out of putting it into type.
Its currently 2:09 am and I have class at nine Im also sick though so i'm wondering if I'll end up going lets see how long it takes me to put this into type...


Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you counting my footsteps praying the floor won't fall through again and my mother accused me of losing my mind but I swore I was fine


My sophomore year of high school I met a girl well call her Al, we had a good relationship but Al broke up with me because she liked my best friend at the time, it took me two years to fully get over her and I swore that the next girl I dated wouldnt fuck me up. In the two years after she broke up with me I serial dated for lack of a better term I would pick girls offline girls I met in person and try to talk to them, I was numb and convinced that magic feeling I had with her would never exist again. Then in January 2009 I met a girl we'll call her Margie she was sweet, charming, caring, the first date made me crazy nervous and she came on strong my gut gave me a mixed signal for this reason but a week later I was sick ((because I always am)) and she showed up at my house with a card, she seemed too good to be true. Our relationship was good, amazing I thought. Until June 2009 I graduated highschool and she left to study abroad, I was told that I was the one gf she felt like she could never cheat on the one person she was truly in love with I believed that, I trusted her with my entire heart mind body and soul prom weeked before she had left she gave me a promise ring I swore in that moment everything was perfect that my life was set that id never have to date again I had no idea what was to come because I thought for once I could be happy. 


You paint me a blue sky and go back and turn it to rain and I lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules everyday wondering which version of you I might get on the phone tonight well, I stopped picking up and this song is to let you know why


Ill remember the date forever July 23rd 2009 I was car shopping because I had gotten rear ended and my jeep had been totaled I spent my days waiting for her call only the last 3 days before she was to arrive home the call never came. I picked her up at the airport July 25th in my new Jeep ((I had been so intent on getting my new car in the 3 weeks she was gone because then I could pick her up at the airport)) I waited at the gate and as soon as I saw her and the friend she had been with I got the vibe that there was trouble, the friend she walked out of the terminal with wouldnt make eye contact with me and avoided me like the plague. What did I care tough? I was happy she was home and that was that. In the next two days that passed we slept together and I can remember distinctly the anxiety that racked my body knowing the way she moved the things she did were just off, she had a whole new technique about her. I remember falling asleep later that night in her bed and waking up alone and finding her downstairs on the couch watching tv, who leaves another alone? dont couples like to watch each other sleep? I went home that night upset and confused not wanting to set her off by asking if there was something wrong or speculating the worst. 


Well, maybe it's just me and my blind optimism to blame or maybe it's you and your sick need to give love then take it away


The next day she was supposed to come over I remember I upset her and recieved a text saying We need to talk about us, I thought I was in trouble and I started apologizing and asking what we had to talk about. She came to my house and sat on my bed and my heart just raced Ill never forget the words that came out of her mouth "I did something bad"...I remember trying to hug her console her from whatever she did telling her we can fix it I remember how she started sobbing uncontrollably telling me not to touch her I remember the color draining from my face when she told me she slept with someone else I remember the questions that went through my head I remember walking out of my room into the bathroom and kneeling on the floor I remember crying but I also remember telling myself that when you love someone you can get past anything and thats what I would do. I walked out to find her kneeling on the floor begging I hugged her she asked if I was going to break up with her to which I replied no, I lost 5 to 10 lbs that week there wasnt  moment I wasnt crying and there wasnt a text message to her that didnt have a question regaurding how and why..a one night stand because of a "high" with a girl I found out she was still speaking to when she returned home. I lost it when I discovered that, having the audacity to cheat on me is one thing its another to still be able to talk to the girl you did it with she claimed she did want to "let the girl down" this was a huge red flag..what respect did this girl deserve, was I not good enough? I was told not to harp on the cheating that we had to move forward, I wasnt allowed to be upset. I tried to keep my emotions in check and we moved forward a month or two later she started a new job, i have a fear with jobs all ive ever seen is partner A gets new job and meets someone and the flirting begins. Not exactly what happened but to an extent. 


And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand and I'll look back and regret how I ignored when they said run as fast as you can


I dont ever ever pick up anyones phone ever and I had no reason for suspicion we were working on trust right? I knew of a new person she had been speaking to but didnt think anything of it until one night her phone went off in the den and she was in the kitchen I picked it up and still remember my jaw locking as I read the text "So is your gf gonna kill me if I add you on fb wtf is that?" Who the hell was this girl to speculate what did she know about me and what facts had she been feeding her? I threw the phone in her face and asked her what it was about the response I got floored me "I cant have gay friends? I hadnt even known she was gay I proceeded in attempting to leave which was followed by begging and empty promises of I wont talk to her. Im not a controlling person but when one cheats on the other and youre working on trusting each other again problems will arise with a new gay coming into the picture. She later made the same promise of I wont speak to her in front of my cousin a month later It was broken when I saw her texting at 2m and proceeded to ask her who she was speaking to. She always said she didnt lie and she wouldn't date a liar but what she did was worse then lying, she just didnt tell the truth, she beat around the bush, left me to wonder.


You are an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry never impressed by me acing your tests



That became an argument that she threatened to break up with me over I was "controlling her" she just wanted friends, now I felt like the bad guy and I was constantly seeking the approval of others. Fast forward January 2010 she got a position closer to my house and moved closer with all the craziness intimacy ceased to exist and threw me for a loop it became a constant battle of why not? and walking on eggshells and I felt absolutely terrible. I relapsed January 2010 I brought in the new year weighing 135-140 fast forward to June I weighed 100. During the month of June a battle blew up in my house regaurding my closed feelings towards my parents, why I was so distant and moody ((which was due to the lack of food and emotional turmoil I couldnt sort)) and told that after Marge had already been invited to a family gathering my parents were uninviting her, it showed that they truley werent okay with the gay factor. Many times I had threatened to leave never had i had the cajones to do it but i couldnt handle it anymore I couldnt handle the world and they only ever got in my head and made me feel selfish wrong and all together undeserving of anything and everything. I went upstairs and packed my bags, my dad followed shortly after grabbing me by the arm trying to put me in my room to think about stuff. Im not 12 anymore and I told him that he proceeded to spit in my face telling me they should have never taken me in that i was an undeserving selfish little bitch my grandma cried and told his to stop told me to stay he told her I was a bitch my mom said she should have left me in the hospital to be with the lowlifes that had me he carried my bag down the stairs and threw it out the door and told me never to come back. I cried for a week straight. I moved in with her, had no footing, no car, no money, no family, and i wasnt eating, through the whole time that made me feel powerful though, hot summer days when my clothes were falling off. On top of that though I felt like I finally belonged somewhere, but I also felt like I was intruding, that it hadnt been planned.I old er time and time again to please let me know if she felt like this, that I could find other arrangements she told me it was fine, that she was there for me that I just needed to find treatment. My days consisted of summer classes at my college, work, watching criminal minds and hanging out with her. Summer 2010 was the worst and best summer I had ever had I became responsible got good grades had a job helped with the apartment and got the freedom I had been deprived of for so long. At the same time though I was starving myself and at the same time being yelled at for it my laxative abuse made her give me the cold shoulder I mean I was doing this to myself is what she said.....also not wanting to speak to anyone from my family and isolating from everyone I knew cause the situation was not one I wanted to explain. In the months that this happened tough I found a kitten on the streets of her development she came right to me I names her Luna and pleaded to keep her she was the friend I needed and At first Margie said no I then won her over I needed affection from somewhere and she was perfect.


All the girls that you've run dry have tired, lifeless eyes 'Cause you've burned them out


I was rejected from several programs because even at 93 lbs It wasnt low enough for my height, mind you you dont not tell someone with an eating disorder that they weigh too much. While looking for treatment I made a game plan to go to school when she moved back home because her job was temporary I also finally made out patient arrangements there as well. 


But I took your matches before fire could catch me so don't look now I'm shining like fireworks over your sad, empty town



Soon I started noticing that I wasnt really wanted in the sense of trips ack home to see family or just in general then I was told that I wasnt invited to move back that I was putting too much pressure on her... A week later she eruppted and told me I couldn't live with her anymore, I moved in with my best friend and brought Luna with me It was the worst several weeks of my life the floor had been ripped out from under me just like everything else. I cried all the time but soon went back to hanging out with her in which I was judged for on all ends. My parents and I also met up and semi worked out our differences (as much as they could be worked out at least).


Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone don't you think I was too young to be messed with?



Whyeat became a site i lived on where other girls were being consumed by the world that was swallowing me whole we understood each other and its the only place I felt right. I got a message from Margies ex  Tracy explaining how she was going through similar struggles, I dont know what it was but it prompted excitement cause now someone I kind of knew could relate. I pushed the fact that she was her ex to the side and we started speaking. Jealousy peaked though when we were talking nearly 24/7 so Margie started talking to Tracys gf which at the time seemed fine that way maybe they could understand the disorder us better. It didnt take me long to figure out that wasnt what was going on though. One weekend we decided to go to a club it was then I realized there was a problem I had absolutely no attraction to Margie her sweaty crazy dancing was there but in my head all I was thinking about was whether or not I looked thin enough, sick enough. We met up with Tracy and her gf Amy that night and I remember going home and texting her.  The day after I had a nervous breakdown at work an was talked into going home, possibly the worst choice I ever made. The next week was another club night needless to say I got so drunk we didnt end up going but I wasnt a complete fool, I saw the flirting that Margie and Amy were doing my gf was flirting wit someone else when I was sick and not even able to walk, she even tried to get me to go to the club still. Tracy took care of me that night and its a night I wont ever forget. The day day I was torn i felt like I had done something very very wrong turns out I had ended a relationship wit my drunk stupidity. I was told we need to talk and the conversation took place at the dog park, I cried so much and was told she needed to focus on herself that she didnt want to see anyone else she wanted me to get better and then we could go on with things. I pleaded that you dont leave someone when theyre down that I needed her that I never once left her even after she cheated and made mistakes. My mind told me I wasnt worthy of the same respect anyway.I even tried speaking to my mom in this time which proved to be horrible after isolating myself I had none of my original friends and I was losing it. That month tore me apart I hung out with Amy and Tracy and tried to work on getting better because I wanted her back, i had never felt more broken then i did that month. I found out some things t hat put me off,she emailed my mom to tell her about the breakup, she was searching for people on a dating site, she asked to be with the girl she cheated on me with which I swore was the one thing i would never stand for, she was the girl that made me feel inferior, there was really something wrong with me. I set the date for September 30th that would be the date we started dating again finding all the details of what she was doing broke me down and I lost it lost her I didnt want it. Slowly I started seeing what had been in front of me all along. Tracy. 


The girl in the dress cried the whole way home


My head got jumbled do you go with the girl thats too good to be true that just fell into your lap or the two year relationship thats seeming to nothing but heartache. I spoke to them both for awhile not able to make up my mind Margie turned into the vision of perfection which FUCKED my head up even more, flowers, concert tickets, sleep on the phone, kind words, but would it last? I was flooded with memories of what was in the beginning but knew wouldn't be any time soon it was a matter of wanting what she didnt have.


Holding on, the days drag on stupid girl, I should have known I should have known


The point of this blog, maybe to feel what ive been putting off it rises to my chest and stays and annoys every ounce of my being because I feel like I was so wrong in so many ways. Theres two sides to every story but I still just cant grasp everything. 
Tracy and I are together and this past month I found out that now the other two are as well which is ironic and I am currently too tired to go into. 


So here's to everything, coming down to nothing here's to silence that cuts me to the core where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute but I don't anymore..You didn't mean it, baby, you said forever and always


Im happy, numb, and torn not just because of all this shit but because of the hatred I have toward myself. The hurt I never wanted to feel just eats and me I trust no one I want nothing to do with the world and she seems to have done that to many. I still question ow genuine people really are... if theyre going to morph...I dunno all I do know is I wish it hadnt done this to me.


I was a dreamer before you went and let me down...