Dont let me stop you

Shaking is all Ive done today, my nervous shakes where speaking is even difficult because its so violent, this then goes to crying because I dont want to be doing this and I dont know how to stop them. I stopped taking my anti anxiety medication because I didnt want to go to my psychiatrist and be weighed because my weight has been steady and I dont want her to think im normal...I will be anything but normal...no worries daddy ;)..

Jealousy of a significant other, do you know how the feels? You cannot put two eating problemed individuals together without some setbacks. My head is going to spiral until I realize I need help until im that sick, I feel it. Id love to just get better now but I know i wont stop until ive reached that goal until I can say I did that I achieved the goal weight.

Still I feel like shit though because my head is so far gone and Im intimidated by my gf. I have some severe issues...

You say you care..

about my health about my wellbeing, if that was the case I wouldnt have been left out in the cold. Left at the dogpark tears streaming down my face begging to just stick around because this problem, ill work on it, then just to be smacked down. Irony is funny, I received bday gift 9 days before you and her started dating just like a week before that I received a phone call of sobs because I was missed. You cant get over someone by dating someone else, you cant just say youve changed because in reality you and I both know you have done nothing to change yourself. Words will always be words because of the actions taken, the lack of empathy. You take the same route, sleep with them fast introduce them to parents the same way, say the same words, probably go to the same places, it makes me feel like all the rest, treated the same destined to be stepped on. I do have my soft spots but I dont know how to express that because at the moment if i do stop and think about it I crack, and those cracks are going to break me. Im too busy breaking myself. There were good times that I now sit back and wonder if they were really genuine..if you were genuine..I was a puppet in a charade, I trusted you I gave you my soul.. I thought I was done, to quote meredith grey..

"You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore..."

You chose to leave you chose to concentrate on you, or so you said, but if you were concentrating on you youd still be single, you wouldve still been waiting for me to get better. Youre not though, and in the battle between actions and words your actions have always fallen short, the letter was appreciated but it still falls into is it real?..who knows maybe at somepoint you did care but like the rest of the relationship its a shadow now, you broke me and still I tried to see you through as being a good person I never doubted that you just made poor decisions got yourself stuck in your issues and you dont know how to go back. Now I cant have you messing up my head, i hope all goes well, but thats all I can say, I cant let you break me, I wont let you break me, ive learned thats my job, in the end im going to be the only one left with me.

Nothing's real until you let go completely so here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving so here I go with all my fears weighing on me

On the other side of this story we pointed the finger at whose fault is whose but neither have the right to point any fingers you broke up two relationships who fell for who after that is history. Youre naive to a tee and you will get stepped on there isnt a day that goes by that I pray you dont but if you do I feel no remorse you saw me cry and you saw the texts, I have them saved still as a reminder or what I will never let someone do to me again..My blog will never vent over this again, I may add to and edit this post, theres alot on paper that I have yet to add to this entry but this isnt worth any time and energy because whats done is done and you think youre dating an angel and the angel thinks she has new wings..sorry girls in reality the wings are still broken and youre the pawn of a mortal about to get squished by the fallen angel...

have fun

And I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me so I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right no comparing, second guessing, no not this time three months and I'm still breathing been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know..