Christmas blog that I wasnt gonna blog about butttttttt here we go
Sunday, December 26, 2010Im so beyond crazed its like a necessity to write. I feel like my head may explode. She still haunts me, not in the I want back type sesnse but rather the thoughts make my stomach churn, and for the first time in months I want to cry. Sleep isnt working at all and my head is too busy thinking about all this shit, too busy being bothered by the mess. Originally I didnt want to write this on here but i need to burn the piece of paper I wrote it down on. Plus not many read this anyway so its okay. I dont know if im oversensitive and numb due to my meds or to the fact that i'm a mess.
Gabby
Nicole
Concept of hatred
food
When im not eating I feel like I have a purpose like im doing something right and as sick as it is its true its the one thing I can accomplish and I want to be fragile. I promised I wouldnt give up and I wont but I need to hit my ugw. I would love to be taken seriously I dont think they realize this isnt a joke, its not I want to disappear. No one gets it. I've seen my reflection a few times today and everytime I do I cringe, I know i've gained weight. Stupid shit bothers me Idk how the gf's dealing with e i would have killed me by now im a pain in the ass.
I want the other two psychos to be happy but at the same time im really pissed. Im pissed someone can see someone get hurt, neglected, pushed away, to the side, but yet in the end say "people make mistakes" people do make mistakes but shes a whirlwind and I wasted my time speaking to her when she was upset. In a way I hope she hurts nicole as bad so she can know what to feel like. That the others that dated her werent making it up. That makes me a terrible person.
Thinking about letting anyone is hurts because I feel like damaged goods, tainted. I feel bad somehow I would love to hand this out to people so they know where part of my head is but at the same time I dont want to let anyone else in...