I celebrate when Im in pain...ive built a bed in this hole Ive made

As usual I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to say Im really good at having this pan out in my head and being gone when I actually sit down to type it and that sucks..


I haven't weighed myself in awhile my best friends scale thats broken reads im 98 with clothes on mid day so I know Im less but my mind doesnt believe it and I havent had a chance to actually weigh myself on my scale because its on lockdown in my parents room. I fit into her clothes her pants and they arent that tight...theyre a 1 and all I can think is I know ill have lost more weight when theyre baggy...Anorexia glorifies weakness in so many ways. Im eating less then 400 calories a day and im convinced Ive stopped losing weight and im at a plateau this is telling me fasting is necessary but I cant function even like this lately. 
Driving has become a task I cant see straight and it scares me..thats the perfect explanation..im scared but I love it..and I hate it..and I hate me lately..but I love anorexia..this is sick. All I can think is point A to B and ill survive not to mention I just found out my insurance dropped me and I dont want to talk to anyone about it..I wasnt keeping up with payments because I couldnt..and my parents were not going to help me seeing as they just 2 grand from me because I "owed" them money for the two years they paid my insurance. Who the fuck does that? Then i go for an evaluation for my eating disorder and drop school for a semester to concentrate on recovery and my parents cant participate...so im now being forced to pay the near 500 dollars because they wont...mind you im worse now then I was then...
Im always cold its gotten to the point where you can feel how cold I am through clothes when I touch you...my nails have a constant purple tinge to them..What scared me more today was my hair thats not even 3 inches long fell out in my hands as I washed it passing out and having to sit when I shower is fun also. I counted my heart beats today while showering 20 in 5 seconds because the heat is too much. 
Some days Im just so tired I wish i could just get tossed inpatient I need some help fixing my head. I have so much good lately im so lucky but im drowning in this....