neck aches that twist in your sleep

i off today so off I feel like im losing my mind. I realize that the majority of these entries are extremely depressing...thinking about it makes me really see that I do have a problem and I think I need help cause I dont wanna keep doing this anymore. I dont know what im doing. Right now though, I feel so lost I could throw up. All day my minds been wandering and chasing reality because I dont feel real or here, and feelings I cant recall keep washing over me confusing and wiping me out. Im tired. but still curious. We've been watching home videos and someone might call me annoying for living in the past so much but how do you build a sense of self when you cant remember what you were in the decade previous. Scars built a personality and I need to learn what cut me so bad I had to heal...I've been smoking disgusting amounts i dont want to feel today, everything gets under my skin. Despite everyone in the world I still feel isolated.

Dining hall today, I turned red started sweating and shaking. She hasnt taken me out to eat and I was so nervous I couldnt even pick up a plate. It made her feel terrible and in response I was awkward and upset, im going to hurt someone else. Im so sensitive its disgusting and Im mad and I hope people still read this.

You dont get to live happily ever after, you dont get to walk around like I was the big bad thing that happened to you because in all honesty I was the best thing that ever happened to you. You swept in on your white horse and you made my world into a fantasy, everything was so perfect I was a ballerina and I was dancing around the stage you hyped me up and maybe not intentionally but you tore me down. It still gets under my skin because I hold onto the good and its still pulls at my heart strings, and that makes me feel weak, you broke me time and time again. Im a good girl and I was so good to you I cant apologize for my issues. As if my emotional capacity hadnt been screwed up enough. Im not mad...im sad...im happy now but im lonely..im confused..and im empty..and dark...this is no guilt trip but dont think you dont go unthought of, i had all i ever needed....

my family, work, school, self i feel broken I take it back I hope no one reads this its not like im going to remember it anyway....im so disassociated its disgusting...

I was always running back now im not running back im standing still trying to push the hair outta my face chin up and smile but I cant...

Im guarded

uh yea hey hi

I havent written on here in awhile and while I want to play catch-up Im not in the mood to write like that, I dont want this to be a journal entry as much as I want it to be what im thinking/narrating in my head. after this I need to crack down on applications. They're tedious with the surveying of questions and I dont like it.

"tell me im a screwed up mess, that I never listen, tell me you dont want my kiss, that you need your distance. Spare me what youre thinking, tell me a lie."

I never asked to be disordered in the realm of eating but in thinking maybe I did this to myself, in some sick way i believe that I wanted it, I wanted to be sick, that I taught myself this, and in that comes a feeling of guilt. The end result in that warped reality is you can learn an eating disorder and then all you know becomes consumed in the chews you count in a day. A chameleon of somesort but a sick chameleon playing games with myself to see exactly what I can withstand and what I can mold to. A competition to be the sickest. Its something Ill never admit out loud even to myself. Anorexia ties that need, want, to be fragile to be cared for...ill cut myself open just to say OUCH help, and pick up those pieces "just one more time"

Plagued by negativity with an underlying core of optimism intuitive to a fault but cursed in not being able to handle the truth that that intuition brings forward. Mind over matter is what ive been told, breathe in and breathe out and in that minute I can calm myself my head levels, "youre fine"...
Rush of thoughts here the paranoia comes creeping in the slue of what ifs takes over, the feelings rise in my chest and want to explode in the worst way in words I cant fathom to say outloud because the fear of pushing someone away that actually wants me is to much to handle but that fear brings silence and silence has us staring at each other silence has me cowering
its hard when youre afraid of everything and nothing at the same time
Now I understand my girlfriends thoughts on duality.

Im trying to open up to you and my fingers are hitting the keys with no problem the words flowing honesty streaming
but truth is you dont deserve to get to know me in this personal of a manner
You dont get to know how the thoughts in my head formulate
I take the twenty years Ive been alive and the near sixty youve been breathing and subtract
forty years of destruction
and I have to ask, even if I wanted your help how could you help me when all youve done is nothing and the closest youve been to me is a birthday card and a bottle of alcohol
those drunken high dreams that settled on my childhood like a fog that cant be lifted
ill ride that fog into a mental swirl of disassociation
body memories that cant be placed
a helping hand wrapped in forgotten and guilty intentions
you were never anything to me

Retarded

I dont even know if I feel like writing all that much, a huge part of me just wants to type. Thats all. Not pen and paper action but keyboard action laptop time. im having an eating disordered meltdown... ive thrown my weight around so much I thought I was better with it, im totally so not okay with it I wanna cut my skin off...to an extreme. I just remembered a dream I had last night, it had something to do with a hotel room. Uhm that and cruise ships within the last few months seem to be re-occuring. Now im thinking about it and I dont like it.

Hotel

To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You are undergoing some sort of transition and need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. You need to temporarily escape from your daily life. Alternatively, the dream may imply a loss in your personal identity

Cruise

To dream that you are on a cruise, represents some emotional journey that you are going through. The dream may also be a pun on "cruising" through situations in your life with ease and little effort.

ADD

My weight last month had been down to an all time low of 92..everything was falling off the outline of my hipbones front to back was visible, it creeped and fascinated me all at once. I gained back the weight going up to 106 at one point which I think was water weight due to red death after that it went back to almost 99 which I was content with now im back up to idk what from eating god knows what and I want to never eat again. Im good at it once I start, my gf doesnt want me doing that I need to be healthy to be in a relationship, and im trying but im freaking out...youre not your eating disorder, you have an identity, yes I do correct baby but...when im not that thin i need it want it compete with anyone and everyone around me..wont stop till im there just..miss it..and thats bad..i am looking up therapists and again im scared shitless cause im like i dont wanna be healthy cause thin is better fuck..

I need to get this in check

Have not posted for awhile

man I havent actually gotten on here and written nor posted much..guess I havent been in the mood to type much ive just been tumbling life away instead. I have 14 followers idk if you actually follow but hey its cool..
Im at 104 lbs im supposed to get my period and three days ago I was level at 98 today at 104 im figuring add in bloat water weight and the 2 or 3 lbs of binge..but im not comfortable at this weight I hate it so much..I havent been over 100 in awhile so im trying to keep it that way...a three day binge sabotaged that but im working on it. I actually have my first day of work today. 10 to 6 its a training class im looking forward to that...then ill have some income so i can start to pay off my bills...I just have to watch myself for a second cause 5 days a week of work and I know how I am ill cycle into not eating and ill be back at 90 lbs..as much as I want that I really dont..ill have to see I told my mom id look up therapists so I have to do that too. I feel like running my mouth in a mean way but im gonna be good...
anyway im gonna chill and maybe try to sleep..prob not

Avoid

96 lbs...

with that you get tossed spun wrestled..youre tiny...but you can be so much more tiny..

I make up for the terrible person I can be through razors, starving, and just downright killing myself..so its okay I know im the worst..ive known it for years I now have more than just my family validating it...

Wandering aimlessly.

Running

truth

safety always ends up foreign those who are closest become farthest...it results in tears misery and wanting to die...

I dont want to be here anymore

Unsure feeling

A picture of Carmen and Shane came up on my dash and I got a pang of jealousy I want to call it. She's sexy, i used to be "sexy" and in my mind I always would say hey im known for boobs for curves thats not right I dont want to be known for that now at 101 pounds and dropping I look at my chest thats vanishing my non existant ass and im like I kinda miss the sexy I used to be and at the same time im disappearing and thats exactly what I wanted. Wanted to be known for something other then a sexy body wanted to make the curvves the attention go away...but in the end I still feel lost..empty..missing a piece.

If I have to gain this weight back i always say itll go right back on the way it was ill have the same chest ass everything and at the same time im terrified itll all be different...this probably sounds mighty stupid but to me its something thats eating me...heh eating.

I feel alone and I think ive done that to myself the days are planned to a tee food portioned exercise planned time length ect and if theres a change I get scared. I dont want to be here but death is scary all I can do lately is is think why am I here though cause I feel no purpose just here...doing nothing wanting to waste away...