Unsure feeling

A picture of Carmen and Shane came up on my dash and I got a pang of jealousy I want to call it. She's sexy, i used to be "sexy" and in my mind I always would say hey im known for boobs for curves thats not right I dont want to be known for that now at 101 pounds and dropping I look at my chest thats vanishing my non existant ass and im like I kinda miss the sexy I used to be and at the same time im disappearing and thats exactly what I wanted. Wanted to be known for something other then a sexy body wanted to make the curvves the attention go away...but in the end I still feel lost..empty..missing a piece.

If I have to gain this weight back i always say itll go right back on the way it was ill have the same chest ass everything and at the same time im terrified itll all be different...this probably sounds mighty stupid but to me its something thats eating me...heh eating.

I feel alone and I think ive done that to myself the days are planned to a tee food portioned exercise planned time length ect and if theres a change I get scared. I dont want to be here but death is scary all I can do lately is is think why am I here though cause I feel no purpose just here...doing nothing wanting to waste away...