4 Months no write...

I haven't been on this in a minute, lets have a catch up list shall we?
New and exciting and other touchy things

- First and foremost I got a puppy. She's adorable her daddy was 1/2 Beagle and 1/2 German Shepherd and her mommy 100% pitbull. So that makes her 1/4 1/4 and 1/2 pit.
- Shes going to train to be a psychiatric service dog for my PTSD. PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
- I learned more about that diagnosis completely on accident, I suffered an emotional trauma when I was young, don't remember it because my brain blocked it out as to not overwhelm me because my brain wouldnt have been able to handle it.
- In turn it causes me to have nightmares, difficulty with my emotions, oversensitivity, hypervigallence, and alot of my other issues I dont feel like listing but its what makes me so needy and difficult and A puppy/ dog/ bestfriend in animal form apparently is awesome and well nothing else has worked and people dont stick around much
- Not working doing my own thing for right now i flirt with my Eating disorder alot im nervous about it constantly, I dont feel stable for too long I carry an addiction to destroying myself
- Nervous about what the world is coming to
- Sad about the relationship with my parents
- Grandma pretty sure has oral cancer that may have spread to the bone in her jaw, she has to have her gums cut and sewn, everything that goes on with her raises panic
-  crave rewinding time and being at my house more, its next to impossible
- Oh the system is impossible to not live within im waiting for martial law to be called for. Pay attention im not nuts youll think of me when it happens
- Im confused
- Im happy
- Im sad
- Im lost
- I wonder if this ever stops spinning in circles the world I mean.... I wonder If Ill ever live without fear at the core of my being
- I wonder if there really are soulmates in which people can withstand and love you forever
- I miss running I miss feeling free driving free on highways
- Maybe ill wander more......

thats my rant about myself 

The Last Unicorn

"As for her. she is a story with no endings, happy or sad. She can never belong to anything mortal enough to want her."

-Schmeudrick

meh

im stoned and so sick and so sleepy. I slept all day but im so sick it doesnt matter. Not to whine or anything. Anyway..j think about the action of typing too much. I learned my love language is quality time. Meaning, if you take the time to get to know me and spend time with me, make time, show me you care through time and give me your undivided attention I feel loved. Thats when on a scale of 1 to 10 i feel a 10. Cool right? not everyone speaks the same language and we even speak different dialects.

Money is horrible it influences every aspect of a persons life. I could live in a box as long as I had love, and as much as people all love to say money doesnt matter to them, it does. I like nice things but honestly I could do without the money. Sometimes I think about running away, I'd wanna take my cats and my dog. Ive been thinking about getting a puppy. I need a friend I can take everywhere. Who will run and play with me. So I wont feel so lonely all the time. In terms of pets Nikkos great but idk he isnt as affectionate he likes to sleep alone in the corner of the bed. on the floor. He's a loner like that. Back to what I was saying. For me money exists soley because it has to. Someone invented it and now I have to pay ir to live where I live. I drive a car. To put gas in that car. Money is always involved. It runs everything. Our reason for being is driven for money and it makes me sad. Why cant we be driven by our passions why cant work be something we want and love to do like paint or write. and our payment is feeling good and doing it because we want to. Then we have love. No money we barter. This world depresses me, I dont belong here.

im tired and out of it. you dont know what you have till its gone. seriously.

kitten cuddles. and a nap. I miss my car and phone and feeling like I had a purpose and being happy and loved and awesome.

meh oh and im obese

night.

neck aches that twist in your sleep

i off today so off I feel like im losing my mind. I realize that the majority of these entries are extremely depressing...thinking about it makes me really see that I do have a problem and I think I need help cause I dont wanna keep doing this anymore. I dont know what im doing. Right now though, I feel so lost I could throw up. All day my minds been wandering and chasing reality because I dont feel real or here, and feelings I cant recall keep washing over me confusing and wiping me out. Im tired. but still curious. We've been watching home videos and someone might call me annoying for living in the past so much but how do you build a sense of self when you cant remember what you were in the decade previous. Scars built a personality and I need to learn what cut me so bad I had to heal...I've been smoking disgusting amounts i dont want to feel today, everything gets under my skin. Despite everyone in the world I still feel isolated.

Dining hall today, I turned red started sweating and shaking. She hasnt taken me out to eat and I was so nervous I couldnt even pick up a plate. It made her feel terrible and in response I was awkward and upset, im going to hurt someone else. Im so sensitive its disgusting and Im mad and I hope people still read this.

You dont get to live happily ever after, you dont get to walk around like I was the big bad thing that happened to you because in all honesty I was the best thing that ever happened to you. You swept in on your white horse and you made my world into a fantasy, everything was so perfect I was a ballerina and I was dancing around the stage you hyped me up and maybe not intentionally but you tore me down. It still gets under my skin because I hold onto the good and its still pulls at my heart strings, and that makes me feel weak, you broke me time and time again. Im a good girl and I was so good to you I cant apologize for my issues. As if my emotional capacity hadnt been screwed up enough. Im not mad...im sad...im happy now but im lonely..im confused..and im empty..and dark...this is no guilt trip but dont think you dont go unthought of, i had all i ever needed....

my family, work, school, self i feel broken I take it back I hope no one reads this its not like im going to remember it anyway....im so disassociated its disgusting...

I was always running back now im not running back im standing still trying to push the hair outta my face chin up and smile but I cant...

Im guarded

uh yea hey hi

I havent written on here in awhile and while I want to play catch-up Im not in the mood to write like that, I dont want this to be a journal entry as much as I want it to be what im thinking/narrating in my head. after this I need to crack down on applications. They're tedious with the surveying of questions and I dont like it.

"tell me im a screwed up mess, that I never listen, tell me you dont want my kiss, that you need your distance. Spare me what youre thinking, tell me a lie."

I never asked to be disordered in the realm of eating but in thinking maybe I did this to myself, in some sick way i believe that I wanted it, I wanted to be sick, that I taught myself this, and in that comes a feeling of guilt. The end result in that warped reality is you can learn an eating disorder and then all you know becomes consumed in the chews you count in a day. A chameleon of somesort but a sick chameleon playing games with myself to see exactly what I can withstand and what I can mold to. A competition to be the sickest. Its something Ill never admit out loud even to myself. Anorexia ties that need, want, to be fragile to be cared for...ill cut myself open just to say OUCH help, and pick up those pieces "just one more time"

Plagued by negativity with an underlying core of optimism intuitive to a fault but cursed in not being able to handle the truth that that intuition brings forward. Mind over matter is what ive been told, breathe in and breathe out and in that minute I can calm myself my head levels, "youre fine"...
Rush of thoughts here the paranoia comes creeping in the slue of what ifs takes over, the feelings rise in my chest and want to explode in the worst way in words I cant fathom to say outloud because the fear of pushing someone away that actually wants me is to much to handle but that fear brings silence and silence has us staring at each other silence has me cowering
its hard when youre afraid of everything and nothing at the same time
Now I understand my girlfriends thoughts on duality.

Im trying to open up to you and my fingers are hitting the keys with no problem the words flowing honesty streaming
but truth is you dont deserve to get to know me in this personal of a manner
You dont get to know how the thoughts in my head formulate
I take the twenty years Ive been alive and the near sixty youve been breathing and subtract
forty years of destruction
and I have to ask, even if I wanted your help how could you help me when all youve done is nothing and the closest youve been to me is a birthday card and a bottle of alcohol
those drunken high dreams that settled on my childhood like a fog that cant be lifted
ill ride that fog into a mental swirl of disassociation
body memories that cant be placed
a helping hand wrapped in forgotten and guilty intentions
you were never anything to me

Retarded

I dont even know if I feel like writing all that much, a huge part of me just wants to type. Thats all. Not pen and paper action but keyboard action laptop time. im having an eating disordered meltdown... ive thrown my weight around so much I thought I was better with it, im totally so not okay with it I wanna cut my skin off...to an extreme. I just remembered a dream I had last night, it had something to do with a hotel room. Uhm that and cruise ships within the last few months seem to be re-occuring. Now im thinking about it and I dont like it.

Hotel

To see a hotel in your dream, signifies a new state of mind or a shift in personal identity. You are undergoing some sort of transition and need to move away from your old habits and old way of thinking. You need to temporarily escape from your daily life. Alternatively, the dream may imply a loss in your personal identity

Cruise

To dream that you are on a cruise, represents some emotional journey that you are going through. The dream may also be a pun on "cruising" through situations in your life with ease and little effort.

ADD

My weight last month had been down to an all time low of 92..everything was falling off the outline of my hipbones front to back was visible, it creeped and fascinated me all at once. I gained back the weight going up to 106 at one point which I think was water weight due to red death after that it went back to almost 99 which I was content with now im back up to idk what from eating god knows what and I want to never eat again. Im good at it once I start, my gf doesnt want me doing that I need to be healthy to be in a relationship, and im trying but im freaking out...youre not your eating disorder, you have an identity, yes I do correct baby but...when im not that thin i need it want it compete with anyone and everyone around me..wont stop till im there just..miss it..and thats bad..i am looking up therapists and again im scared shitless cause im like i dont wanna be healthy cause thin is better fuck..

I need to get this in check

Have not posted for awhile

man I havent actually gotten on here and written nor posted much..guess I havent been in the mood to type much ive just been tumbling life away instead. I have 14 followers idk if you actually follow but hey its cool..
Im at 104 lbs im supposed to get my period and three days ago I was level at 98 today at 104 im figuring add in bloat water weight and the 2 or 3 lbs of binge..but im not comfortable at this weight I hate it so much..I havent been over 100 in awhile so im trying to keep it that way...a three day binge sabotaged that but im working on it. I actually have my first day of work today. 10 to 6 its a training class im looking forward to that...then ill have some income so i can start to pay off my bills...I just have to watch myself for a second cause 5 days a week of work and I know how I am ill cycle into not eating and ill be back at 90 lbs..as much as I want that I really dont..ill have to see I told my mom id look up therapists so I have to do that too. I feel like running my mouth in a mean way but im gonna be good...
anyway im gonna chill and maybe try to sleep..prob not